Saturday 2 March 2013

nature's WAY

there's a chill in the air



 

we live in the confines of our environment
it's a beautiful sunny day in mexico in the winter
for a couple of north american campers on vacation
all inclusive - all elusive
tanning in paradise
lotsa booze


oK, amazing sex


crisis? what crisis?
boner service is excellent, thank you
my wife is rotting in zimbobwe  
enough said

this girl is my "assistant"
yep - hot - it's how i roll now 



nature's WAY 
 



    

meanwhile

 next door, there's a typhoon in the philippines
people getting swept under the muck
bacteria levels - through the roof
death is a routine delivery there
mommy daddy gone

it's a broadcast voice on TV
eating KFC ... WTF ... OMFG

"i was just sitting there
playing with my barbie

when the water came in

and flushed us down
the toilet"  






an unfortunate stain
on this imported satin
 

granted, ok - winters in Toronto can be brutal
sometimes we get 20cm of frikkin snow 
on the ground - under our manicured toes
and the roads get slippery - and shit flies
people get mean  - short tempered
and it gets messy

i hate winter
i mean ok - we struggle

dinner is ruined

.

some are more resiliant than others
in matters of the spirit
some take it better







i mean oK
we can fight the elements OR
we can surrender and succumb
moving on - detached
redemption


no contest 


we FIGHT - Spartacus conquers
you piece of fucking shit 
we fight - our favourite sport
masturbation - we fight
ah great release


we fight


for our right to hold on to resentment
for our opportunity to exercise revenge
i dream of it every night because
i hold onto daddy - only daddy is
gone forever


alone again - naturally




  


i've locked old wounds into flimsy lockers
in the back of my fermenting psyche
buried deep in my limbic
promising to keep 
them - secret

i mean - shit
it's embarrassing - and i'd really prefer
to forget about it

only i can't - it's a haunting shadow
that follows me around
the remnants of shame and regret

i'm what - a breach baby
just shut - the fuck up and make it happen
i'm royalty you insipid cunt 





 

king . warrior . magician . lover

door number 3 please
with 100 on the bonus round
and the trip for 2 to los vegas
and the show-girl blowjob
coming complimentary


spin - the wheel 
(audience clapping) 
  

i still hold anger because my parents were fakes
dad way more than mom - at least she cared
reaching for her - gone - ah shit - oK she
loved me - distracted tho, like dad
narcissism extended - dysfunction
incalcitrant calculation 
failing 

it's still amazing to me
as to how some
can remain humble
humility is indeed in short supply







you my friend, are a sage
carrying and dispersing your wisdom
where-ever you go - you grow

and i love you  

walking in the grass with a stick
impervious to natures way
scarred too - and yet
you remain true
on course


you remind me of what i can still do


i can still make a difference in this world
i can be alive and celebrate life
i can circumnavigate
and plan it

i used to be beautiful you know
i still can be

just takes a little eyeshadow
and blush




  
 

i feel optimism
it's in the unraveling of the lies 
do we find our truths

i'm struggling still
my feet are cold
winter is brutal 

wallowing in despair
is a form of masochism
only there is a twisted, addictive
pleasure in it


nature's WAY
 

it's not what or how much we consume
it's how our consumption
defines us







i am consumed and distracted
a delicate balance
i mean, after all

karma aside?
it's all in the choices we make AND 

 

it's the pain that keeps us


alive 



(dedicated to my friend chris landreth) 






Saturday 2 June 2012

my name is luka



i live on the second floor

just don't ask me - what it was
just don't ask me - how i am 

yes, we are exposed to twists and turns
tips and tricks
i am fascinated by this one 
only because i see it everywhere
surfacing on the physical plane
wishful sexual dysfunction

this is the guy from montreal - far left
who recently cut his lover 
up into pieces
and mailed his body parts - express post


i have a theory
 




 
every once in a while
the shadow wants to expose himself
only - because she ever so desperately needs to be seen
this is a stretch - BUT - going there

tornado torpedo - typhoon tsunami
pass the popcorn
and settle back

ok, i'm no rap-star
but perhaps this fumbling prose is a start

it's all in the news - it's headline horror
a chance to be real - out there


maybe it's because i'm crazy
i try not to act too proud

 
 


luka rocco magnotta



they only hit until you cry
after that - you don't ask why

you just don't argue - anymore 

i'm the tormented trickster - my eye on the throne
the displaced lover - throw me a bone
the morose magician - i'll make you see
my twisted sister - on a mission of mercy

playing out my game of russian roulette - in style
using all my available resources for a while
seamless state of the art technology
download me in HD - while i'm still free
having everything and yet tossing it all into the sea
because - i can - no choice now - you have to look - at me

right here - today
my show - done my way 
 

because fundamentally - it doesn't matter
mother fucker - father sucker
i am hearing - too much chatter

and so dear friends and faithful readers
welcome back to yet another erase and rewind
a dance in dementia - a trip down another musty corridor 
(ah so i how miss - the twilight zone)

my name is luka






it's an invented name, but it's what i go by - now
many interpretations - mixed yet always curious
the result in lubricated rotation - carefully cooked - changing
depending on where my moon-mood is - and who i'm with
to some ... i'm gay and to others
ac/dc - what difference does it make
when you're evenly baked

ok, i'm a boy, who is a girl sometimes - flawless form
questionable karma in a perfect storm

am i a boy?  or am i a girl??  perhaps, you will never know
it doesn't matter - just going to make it so

it's a claim to fame
just needing 15 minutes
to launch my name

ok, maybe you still don't get it


i'm red hot




 i am larger than life

i am aphrodite and i am devout
hero and heroine
soon, you'll find out

i'll be whomever you want me to be - make me soft
take me and make me
because i am the one - who gets off

oh yeah
 
i kill things 

animals and people
 give me a cam

just don't ask me - how i am




i am part of something bigger and better
than YOU will ever be
because i am omnipotence personified

click and claim me

i want you to fuck me
before i kill you
my world is a non-linear extraction
in post-nuclear posturing
radiation sperm illumination - powder blue hue
only i am me - and you 

are just you




who is this piece of shit
chinese - extermination eclipsing ecstasy

i'll cut you and paste you, wherever i please
because i have you - on your knees

i can spew your body parts wherever i choose
cause in the end, i win and you lose
it's just assumed

that it's important news
stay tuned



my name is luka

 




i live on the second floor
i live upstairs from you
yes i think you've seen me before
if you hear something late at night
some kind of trouble, some kind of fight

just don't ask me - what it was
just don't ask me - how i am 


(older posts - lower right)











Friday 13 April 2012

blood of eden



they don't take credit … only gold


i'm not sure i get it yet
working on it

this connection we're supposed to have
with the opposite sex
tis maybe why i'm 56 and single



 

girlfriends yes earlier on
 then married, divorced - drifting i guess
i'm still trying to figure it out

maybe i'm bi-polar

i think, i messed up there somewhere
a momentary lapse of reason
lingering into the middle ages

protecting myself
that useless extended warranty i paid extra for
man overboard

the line growing tight - the premature struggle, then the release
shit - you had it on - hooked - feeling the loss - what happened
distracted for a second - you snooze, you lose
idiot


my grip is surely slipping - i think i've lost my hold

and so my friends






welcome back - it's another quest
for clarification

i find it helps - to just put it out there



b l o o d   o f   e d e n


it's a song i remember
one summer - years ago
made sense in the moment
ringing true

i was distracted - yet curious
the barrage of deceptions

adam and eve and the subsequent fairy tales
 in familiar folklore - the little mermaid
penthouse and playboy
victorias secret

the books, magazines, catalogues, movies and the TV shows
we watched growing up - jaws dropped and wide eyed
in black and white - later in technicolour

how it was supposed to be - all wrong
an earnest attempt at normality
submersed in conclusion





coming out later in real life, in a requiem
last call - maybe later
stumbling into slumber - the recurring images
under closed eyelids - rapid eye movement
sparkling lights
shaking - slow motion


is that a dagger or a crucifix i see
you hold so tightly in your hand
and all the while the distance grows between you and me
i do not understand 
 

i rarely see it work right - relationships
even those still together after years - decades
water under the bridge
cracked yet still standing - celebrated

in this golden anniversary - marking the induction
dads jokes and moms gravy

grace





ah, the institution of matrimony
family

in the gestures of good will
hanging on for dear life
in co-dependence, false security and creature comfort

and yet - maybe ... just maybe, in genuine appreciation
of our cozy counterpart

real love exists - in virtuous unconditional surrender
the purge of narcissism - and the embrace of humility
in remembrance of our mortality
wishing wisdom

timeless
kiss


at my request, you take me in
in that tenderness, i am floating away
no certainty, nothing to rely on
holding still for a moment
what a moment this is
oh for a moment of forgetting 
a moment of bliss







one learns new lessons
inside and outside of the box
no judgements

floating

in quiet reflection - looking out on our setting sun
the early stars in the approaching nightsky
the sparkling lights again - drifting

we are essentially alone - either way
holding - still

regret ... still

there's nothing worse
than missing the boat











i caught sight of my reflection
i caught it in the window
i saw the darkness in my heart
i saw the signs of my undoing
they had been there from the start
and the darkness still has work to do
the knotted chord's untying
they're heated and they're holy
oh they're sitting there on high
so secure
with everything they're buying



b l o o d   o f   e d e n






Friday 27 January 2012

muZIK for the apocalypSE


and a hymn for the human spirit

hello friends and faithful readers of my blog, welcome back to my perfect storm - (play the clip/track below).  this is a departure from the distractions and the little annoyances we live with every day and a look back into that place we rarely go to anymore because as it seems, there's no time to.  as always,  i'd like to remain optimistic and yet proceeding with caution. survival happens one step at a time.  bad decisions haunt us.  it is in the choices we make that we all too often lose perspective on what's going on around us.  the regrets and the regression. the greed and the remorse.  the cycle of narcissism and that all too familiar aloneness.  we forget ...

it is in the reckless abandonment of our fragile human nature, the politics and the carelessness - the lies and the blame, do we relapse into default;  and yet there must always be a time of joyous reflection - recalling all the wonderful memories that we carry with us every day in this moment that we're alive. the family snapshots, the smiles ... the re-incarnations of times past  - the good and the bad - and a new appreciation of what we have here right now - to the art that inspires us and helps us to remember and embraces consciousness. and so yes - in my humble attempt to be relevant ... so ah ... tis is my muZE - my ...



muZIK for the apocalypSE

 






fade to black -

for those of us who are racing though life, there is always a need to stop EVERYTHING and think about all this on a whole different level. through the images of despair, destruction and doubt that we carry with us if we don't succeed, past the obstacles and chaos, the torture and the torment ... there is light and redemption - and in the end, there is nothing.  

we all fade to black.  so what does the end of life look like to you?  is it sitting on a bench by a placid lake and peering out into a hollow horizon that looks like the apocalypse, trapped behind the borderlines of your own making?  ... or is it about celebrating what you came to know and love?   it's all comes down to this final moment - the choices we make.  forevermore.  that next person you meet for the first time tomorrow ... is this an opportunity to embrace change - to create magic?   or is it just another feeble attempt to delay the inevitable -  because we're just too different - rising to the occasion appears to be in short supply any more.  that "higher power" that everyone talks about?  it's just a myth anyway.  

it's sad ... just too easy to turn away and procrastinate.  back into a peaceful slumber - lost in the cracks again.

.
just a blip -

and so dear readers - the next time you hold back from telling someone close to you, that you love them - because the timing is wrong or you think it's not appropriate?  in the fear that you might show your real hand of cards which is a trick, or that they may just call your "bluff" - retreat - into the warm comfort of false security - into the facade.   just please - think about this ... you may not get the chance again - life is short and there's no time.   we are just a blip on the radar screen - a moment - an all too brief split second, that comes and goes in a flash of light and then slips back into the darkness - and in there somewhere - there's some really special music playing.

it's all in forgiveness and appreciation of all that is in life's remarkable gift.  in grace and in danger we breathe ... it's all over soon - brace yourself.  this is a crazy ride.  dance, love and live!

thank you for reading -


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(bump up the clip below to 720p - lower wheel 
and turn up the volume / sound)







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..

b  o  r  d  e  r  l  i  n  e  s




"our bodies shiver but we cannot touch
i never thought i'd need ... you
so much" 

 

composed, produced and performed by jim lamarche in 1986 at spiral studio 
58 phoebe street, toronto on a fostex A8 analog recorder.
fretless bass by dave smith - alto sax by john panchyshyn
(c) 1987 - temple music, toronto
photographs by jim lamarche - paintings by zdzislaw beksinski






email:  jimlamarche@sympatico.ca.




Monday 5 September 2011

Surrender - Sweet Salvation

 "Do not lay a hand on the boy," he said. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son."  Genesis 22:12


Ah sunday - it's my favourite day.  a day of rest?  (sounds good to me).

the word "re-alignment" comes to mind.  i connect with my daughter Jade in her on-going transformation, into a new world that is filled with hope and love.   we have lunch and talk - a healing time.  She's 25.

today, we went to church (not something i've done since i was a kid), with her mom (my ex) and Jades cousin Byron who invited us.  Saint James Cathedral downtown Toronto (King and Jarvis - ok just a coincidence).   "ok - let's go to church".  no crowds, very simple.  it was wonderful and beautiful, in a broken weather forecast that shed a dry warm late summer ambiance, just at the right times.  there came that approaching appreciation settling in by late morning - breath-taking music from a historic church pipe-organ, inspiring words, respectful reflection/resolution with a choir of angels singing in praise of redemption. 



church felt really good.



   

 

we live in a tangled weave - filled with apocalyptic imagery and we are persistently bombarded with bad news - every day - we feed in the shadows.

the hurricanes, the earthquakes and the tsunamis - the nuclear melt-downs - watcher of the skies - the anticipation ... waiting.


"there - up there - can you see it"?  impending doom.  "that jet - flying into that building - see it?" on this 10th anniversary of 9/11 ... ah that gentle reminder of what happens to those who don't follow the rules.  the punishment.  the verdict is IN.  "your honour - we the court, find the defendant - guilty".   just who's rules should we be following again?  i need a reminder refreshment - this is confusing.  the word hypocrisy comes up over and over again.  who do we believe?  i don't trust you anymore.

. 

and so ... welcome back my friends,  to my new muZE - thoughts in the fragmentations in every day consciousness creating chaos, and a short essay on the virtues of patience, self-discipline and deliverance.  In my ongoing struggle to find peace in this world as a maturing male human … in my growing realization that it's all in understanding the importance of … coming to terms with …



Surrender - Sweet Salvation
(a shift in contemporary spirituality)



we learn to defend ourselves at an early age.  like i put out in my last blog, we men inherit our fathers karma and we proudly carry the torch - in uncertainty - in duty to the cause.  we fight for what's right! - even if it's a lie, then we protect our inheritance in a shield of armour - unconscious, even from the ones we love - from the tragedies and injustices of this world - turned inward - mistrust.   shame and blame are instilled in us as children (especially us boys), trying to figure out what's wrong and learning to navigate - ongoing, relentless tiring torture - that fear of failure - trying to find our place in this maze of on-going confusion.   we develop "weapons of mass destruction", early on - out of necessity,  first, in our "terrible two's"  - our first outburst of rebellion.   just to get through the torment of school a few short years later - teen rebellion, shrouded in dark music and reclusive repugnance.  we construct our battle plan, just to get through another day, then later evolving into a tenuous occupation that is fused with strife and despair, late student loan payments and plunging markets - rising costs and divorce statistics.  



sometimes we are forced, to make some difficult decisions.  choices we don't want to make.

 


  


hidden agendas


in dealing with the stress of life, sometimes we create hidden agendas - meticulously documented in medical volumes, holy bibles and in science fiction novels (are we vampires or werewolves)?  - whatever - and yet what does it matter?   our refuge - a place to get away from it all (our secret place), and all propped up with justification mechanisms, deceptive diagnoses - in carnal constructs and doped out denial.  ok, sometimes healthy … usually not.   there are no road maps into maintaining a sane balance sheet - that ultimate plan on differentiating our profits from our losses - where to constructively place our bet in this game of russian roulette.  what works verses what doesn't remains elusive.  in the torrential introspection that exists in the masculine massacre, particularly in our interaction with our feminine counterparts on this physical plane - we men (for the most part) remain lost - and yet we must remain - in total control.
   


welcome to the lie

ok guys, it's not something you down-load off the internet, nor is it an "app" you can get for your iPhone or google the answer to.   real redemption requires real work - and embraces surrender - only the right kind of surrender (and not just acting it out).  it means getting down and dirty and showing people your shit, in a supportive environment that is open to the idea of that.  i myself have become a good preacher and diligent observer, but a hack practitioner in this regard and, i'm in good company - here at Saint James Cathedral - that "saintly" salutation - feels GREAT!  beautiful bells ringing from the tower and a new calling ... 



church was nice but a somewhat deceptive theatre play - the communion is in sterile cleansing - largely based on the "assumption" that you are a "sinner" and that the participant in observation needs to confess - ok, a righteous presumption and very well positioned - all cloaked in "state of the art" diaper technology and in pristine institutional grandeur.   no dirt here.  beautiful music - but no "shit".  


constructed spiritualism ensconced in a ritualized religious practicum - i like it, (and it's easy on the eyes and ears)!







i saw some things today, going for lunch later - with Jade, Jody and Byron - sitting on rain soaked patio seats and consuming our rewarding organic burgers and hot-dogs after the service.  yuM (mystery meat - ok - "organic" mystery meat - no pseudo-religious cross-referenced innuendos intended). 

later, i went to an AA meeting (Alcoholics Anonymous) down on Bloor and Spadina with Jody and Jade, and watched a different kind of service unfold.  in a hot, badly ventilated room - in yet another church in downtown Toronto but in a worn adjacent hall lit by florescent lighting and hard fold up chairs, bad free coffee and bland packaged cookies - the late summer week-end drawing a different crowd - worshiping the same god, only differently.  ok, this is clearly lacking in style girls and boys.   My daughters boy friend was receiving his one year medallion.  a time to celebrate.  



people got up and addressed their unsettled congregation, practicing their new faith, in vulnerability and in total fear - everything is shaking like an earthquake that could topple everything around us any second, in that familiar sweat that drips out of every pore - the familiar discomfort - in the smell of the fermented toxins - years in the making.  the tears of joy and a reminder of our fragility - surrendering yet again - in a humble gesture - to find peace.

unlike the impeccably choreographed religious service in an impenetrable protective structure earlier that day,  AA openly and humbly acknowledged god's presence (our higher power), without the guilt and without the pretense - inviting participants who wish to change, in support and yet without attachment, without the pomp and the promise - without the insulation.  rising to the occasion - is in short supply.  no judgement - in a new sanctuary.  spirituality and religion are two completely different things and god is real. 






 
inside the mine fields and behind the barbed wire fences, piled up so that they are no longer climbable - there remains that friendly signal - returning again and again - always there and open to us - should we be willing to accept the challenge - a totally new one.  real redemption?  it's all in surrender.


letting our "guard" down to let some real light in and showing the world who we really are - and yet - finding the courage to stand up for ourselves in a din of the repressive noise pollution?   caring for others … takes practice and requires help and spiritual guidance.  i'm working on it.  i believe in a higher power and i believe in god. 

no school-book (or bible) can ultimately teach you what to do or where to go.



faith is multi-dimensional and is contagious - and it doesn't need to be a "religious experience" but maybe ... just maybe appropriate nonetheless.

thank you for reading …








bump this up to 720p (lower right) and turn it up.




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