Saturday, 19 April 2014

flashcard

  when the flood comes
you have no home - you have no walls



f l a s h  c a r d







yep - she gave birth to me
changed my many thousands of dirty diapers

she fed, bathed me - nurtured me
she showed me things
love and survival 
techniques

giving her a grand-daughter
who she got to know briefly - the resemblance
is uncanny - stunning - running

panting - letting go eventually - and so
i swim to safety - still swimming
(preferably cold water - a lake or quarry)
this burden - weighing me down
catching my breath - not



stranded starfish have no place to hide
still waiting for the swollen easter tide





 



and so in the gradual fermenting of my formula 
in the tick tock thickening of my arteries, my shortness of breath
in my weakening knees and feet - hanging
winding the clock tight in suspension
until she stops


in the thunder crash
you're a thousand minds, within a flash



in the remembrance of all 
my careless conquests
the quickening

i remember her
having passed
ten years
ago 

lung cancer


her consistent tenderness
later in life succumbing - surrender
watching her relinquish her rhapsody
with the men in her life - one train wreck
after another - she had me - her little boy
her son, to ease the chronic pain
and suffering - albeit

briefly








it's like nothing matters anymore
and yet yes - it does
i can still move
forward without
her

waiting for my own cancer
to arrive

ah the good times
perpetuating circumstances
despite the odds


there's no point in direction
we cannot even choose
a side









and so we discover, all too late
that most medicinal miracle cures
are just a hoax, just a scam 
BIG PHARMA calling them "placebo" - ah ok
where the mind "thinks", it's being taken care of by fake medicines that cost a lot
some work, most don't

returning to

something more - meaningful
more spiritual

back to a time when there was hope
in a whirving whirlwind where nothing is certain
in a world where nothing makes sense except for us
the two of us rotating in redundancy
the moon orbiting the earth
orbiting the sun

yes, your train-wreck relationships with men
over and over and over again
still finding me
your reason

to live

first in your womb, in your sole creation
in your inability to connect and yet
in your ability to conceive
regardless 








 and so what goes around, comes around
they call it "covert incest" in psychiatric circles
finding home in the familiar
in our children

what gives

bad things happen 
where's the good advice
it's all empty promises with no substance anymore
now that she's gone

  our so-called 'authorities' (doctors, lawyers, priests, politicians) 
have no idea what any of this means 
and fundamentally

don't care 

it's all about control
the caustic creative contagion contingency
the one they don't tell us about

what you don't know
won't hurt you

hospitalized 
and hemorrhaging 

alone again
 








ok, it's not sexual
but it is dysfunctional
proprietary 

universal

it's in all the tragedies and injustices
surrounding us on any given day
there's always her familiar

touch me again
i miss you


 deliriously defaulting
into a safety net that envelops us
in self entrapment

yes - a reason to live
inside this thing outside of me

returning the sustenance
in an ever diminishing dementia
lost voices echoing down
a long cold corridor 
well lit (funded) and yet

shimmering in short supply





 

 it's not what i wanted
this dependency

i don't want to feel dependent on anyone
and yet when you are sinking into the abyss
there's that certain sense of comfort
that comes from knowing
that someone is there
with you

i'm not a religious person
but i believe in god
i believe in her

only because she's the only reason
i wish to remain

here







coming home just feels good
no expectations and yet - yes here we go
it's clean, pure - no judgements
only real love

a love that can only come 
from a child




f l a s h  c a r d




 don't be afraid to cry of what you see
the actors gone
 


there's only you and me








and so where does this leave us
in a thousand years

i'd like to think that someone, somewhere
will remember us


 

dedicated to pansy edith batho
pat miller - april 16, 1932 - july 29, 2004






 

Saturday, 5 April 2014

cowboys and indians



"the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun 
is a good guy with a gun"

(Wayne LaPierre, NRA - National Rifle Association/USA)


there's a storm on the horizon

it's been brewing for some time now
no one sees it, but i do
it's getting closer
and closer



c o w b o y s   a n d   i n d i a n s









i am wearing my new dress tonight
but you don't even notice
me 

.

ok there's some homophobia
in the mix

ah, all our pointless conquests

it was a game we played as kids
cowboys and injuns
one dressed as a cowboy and another as an indian
the cowboy is a good guy, the indian bad

in keeping with the script

harmless fun really, stuff we saw on TV
Daniel Boone and F-Troop - shows like that after school

scooping peanut butter on our bleached white wonder bread
in a world bereft of colour and real imagination
my afternoon treat with jam sometimes
in Ontario Canada - normal stuff that meant nothing
in black and white, thinking nothing of it
just eating - chewing

swallowing



 




"wrongful death" and "dog bites"
my personal faves

oK, i really got it later on in life
visiting Ybor City Florida - near Tampa in late December 2004
it's late afternoon drifting towards the midnight hour
it's warm here - tropic thunder in the distance
most men packin' a concealed firearm
just in case something
fucks up

stepping off the plane in Fort Lauderdale a week earlier
leaving a brutal cold winter in Toronto
thinking - wow - this is paradise
palm trees - warm weather here
realizing something different
in a few short days

right, like everyone's obese here.  ok - half
transexual transformation billboards - personal injury law firms - roadside roadkill
and massive families at Denny's whipped cream emporium
gorging on the american dream
pancakes and sausages
taters and gravy
toast and jam

all you can
eat









OMG, ok, their 'all you can eat' breakfast buffets
ok, wow - everyone is so totally fat
sitting too much and watching
waay too much Jerry Springer
video games and porn
after the wife is passed out
so repressed

really getting the hypocrisy in american culture
all that "land of the free - home of the brave", propaganda

for the very first time it's full throttle thrusting
in my face - rolling me over
pulling my pants 
down

my mom had recently passed and i was going through 
my disturbing catharsis

introspection









free parking on the outskirts of the city
where the coloured folk live on the dark periphery
having been pushed out of the inner core years earlier

no street lights here - garbage strewn everywhere
a parasite infested mongrel pissing on a hydro pole
that look whilst ... "who the fuck are you"
echoing off the cracked pavement
a winter wonderland 
turned tropical

in our rented car - that feeling of unease
looking at them, and them looking back
sitting quietly on their broken
front porches

almost dark - yet light enough
to see his fermented face
a crystal meth, magic 
mushroom
mashup

visually misaligned
staying away

from the strays


where is my John Wayne
where is my prairie song
where is my happy ending












struggling sick - it's everywhere
in the city core - suspended spin cycle
caving to cryptic cocktails - in continuum

in a hollow homophobic homebound

so you out there - puritan party pals - gettin' fucked up - on
umurrica cares for us black folk too
yep we su-vive - see?

you sick-ass white folk - winter
wasting you


we at least - have electricity out here
 see ... lights on inside - ok maybe even
access to the internet (sporadic) - not likely, a stretch - whatev

.


i'm with my brother and a muscular (older) friend
who's a pro kick boxer, so we're safe
just looking for a good time on a
new years eve rapidly approaching
walking inwards - seeing how the blacks
had been displaced - discarded - in favour
of the white man's obsession for callous control
a big football parade in the downtown core
now in full swing, transforming into
a giant new years street party
after









coloured's not welcomed
ok, the odd puerto rican - maybe mexican
but they look out of place here
nervously trying to fit in
but really not

just looking for a piece
of white 'tail'

smelly fish out of water
allowed in for the moment

everyone is really intoxicated
because that is what's on the agenda
pretentious paleface - the narcissism rampant/abundant
football jocks and lots of girls in skimpy sexy garb
teasing the men - cause that's what's real now
all celebrating something surreal
and totally out of context

looking for sex
later

and the girl who gets to nail
the quarterback of the winning team
gets a 'feather' in her cap

what - he's married?  doesn't matter









everyone is really into themselves
like there is nothing more important
than their own preoccupation - completely oblivious
this meaning much more than anything else
meaning much more than anyone else
having claimed their territory
having claimed their own
place in this world
an exclusive

membership

i am devastated - on any number of levels
and this is just an affirmation that life is unfair
to most other people - and yet here in this place
none of it matters anymore






ok, you don't belong
you are not welcome here 
you are just an abstract idea
in my world where there are rules
that you need to follow, in order to comply
to my idea of what's right now

there's me and then there's you
and there's nothing you can do
because this is just the way it is

i'm a bit drunk
ok, i've had a few buds
well maybe closer to a dozen 
whatever, i lost count after 7 




c o w b o y s   a n d   i n d i a n s 

 

let me shake your hand
because it's the least
 i can do
sir 





 


shake my fucking hand
it's what you need to do - sir
it's what you need to do to fit into my reality

it's what you need to do
to conform to what i believe in
because what you believe in
is ultimately irrelevant now

your dark shadow is no longer
welcome here

who you think you are
means nothing really
you're old news, so

get lost









it's a whole new world
and you're just
a small piece 
of my puzzle



c o w b o y s   a n d   i n d i a n s



  and i really don't care what you think
because ultimately you my friend

are not important
welcome in my
world


i will do the laundry
if you pay all the bills


where is my John Wayne
where is my prairie song
where is my happy ending



?



where have all the cowboys gone