Friday, 8 March 2013


when I am lost in heart ache
shudder, shatter
the pale you
my one and only 

true love

it's like discovering hidden treasure
in that box in grandma's attic
late when they're asleep
discovering magic

this single candle
in the midnight hour

A l i c e

ah ok, let's just pretend we're at this uncomfortable party
and we're like ... shooting the shit

maintaining appearances

"so ya, i remember the first time i did acid" 
that kind of shit

"na, i was never into hard drugs 
having done coke a few times
speed/bennybabies a few times  
too much recouperation required thank you
in my 20's mostly - now in my 50's
no needles 

magic mushrooms - a handful of times
acid 3 times.  each time quite wonderful

summer 1979 - wishful thinking

the first time in Shediac New Brunswick 
when i was a musician/singer in Major Hooples

traveling gypsies we were
in a rock band - far away

on the ocean - lights at night
came on after dark

family - a concept that reflected remorse
i think i'm supposed to be sad
about something 

aunt allie passed away
when i was thousands of miles away
standing in water
holding a cold florescent fish
waiting for something 
to happen

absent father - absent nephew

i went out to the farm two summers (for several weeks)
from 1963 to 1965 (ages 7-9)

let's not go there
ok, not good

I helped Uncle Ken (Mom's brother) with the chores
hay/oats - milking the cows
August usually - hot but a cool evening wind
a harvest abundance incoming

fresh corn, veggies and fruit from allie's garden
yummy suppers - no margarine here mom
only fresh butter

drank my first cold beer
after chores w/my Uncle Ken
i was 8 - ah thank you VERY much, Uncle
can I have another?
these Molson's Canadians
have a unique way of quenching
my thirst

"there's nottin' like a cool one after chores"
only one cool one turns into 6 by midnight
six years later - absinthe - heroin?


ok, nothing's perfect
one step forward - two steps back

it is what it is

Eastwood Ontario - RR#5 Woodstock
mosquitos, stepping in cow dung/horseflies
dog needs to be tied up cause it's killin' the chickins'

and yet - wow - stepping back
taking a deep breath

i love this song because it reminds me of what life used to be like
out on the farm, with aunt allie
in the summer of '64
swinging in the hammock

no cares in the world

while she cooks supper 
"hummingbird back"

my announcement from the porch
through a squeaky screen door
crickets singing even in
late afternoon 

"you just leave it be"
having tried to catch it earlier

allie's frail vocabulary
sounding from a fragile formation
flesh and blood - skin and bone - carved in brick and stone
in mind and spirit - heritage heretic
alice is alive in this moment

but not for long

reverberating from the back kitchen
that familiar ambience
in decay and forgiveness - the rattling
of a days end - pots and pans 
her tired words
as the hummingbird disappears

dropping carved potatoes
into a worn, wet aluminum pot
Gershwin on the radio
"nice for a change" - she thinks 
in a rare, confident moment

getting up and going in
the squeaky door 
slamming shut
(letting a dozen flys in)

"geez, what did I tell you about that damn door! "
never cursing officially

no - ah "were you dancin' there?"

"just shush"
I could never be afraid of allie - kind soul
approaching her - smells amazing
wrapping my arms around her waist
and that brief moment of surrender/reciprocation
in her mess - in my missing her
tears often - dismissed - i'm thinkin' 

"rice pudding w/raisins for dessert tonight"

"now that's over - the hug part"
pushing me away only because there's work to do
"ok, ornery is in my general orbit at the moment Jimmy"

Allie looks stressed?  but really isn't
"needs more raisins - get me some out of the pantry
  - and they need to be soaked first - geez" 

she secretly loved having me around
no kids of her own - no man

an inner world

yes, light out there - I see it 

this feels timeless
farm fresh cream in the bottom of my rice pudding bowl

bam - all gone

"chores after supper
barn stalls need to be cleaned tonight"
she snips

"Ken's gone - you need to do it"
My Uncle Ken - ok, drinking binges
Mom's brother - Allie's nephew
bad news combination
they co-existed together out on the farm

"aw geez" shit - hating the smell of manure
but loving the smell of everything else
looking out a dirty window
and into another the fading sun

part of me hated being here - part of me loved it
only because it was so quiet, peaceful - clean 

gazing out, into the magic
in this moment
it's a life i needed - more than 

but i get it


sleeping next to her arm in arm on her lumpy bed
after several games of chinese checkers/warm milk
cookies - quiet and dark - candle's out - time for bed
windows open, warm breeze - crickets chirping - full moon

i was Allie's connection to the world back then
her nephew/son, her husband/father (even phantom lover) - all in one package
awakening before the dawn - going outside
looking up into the light

one last time 

cold wind

morning glory

goodbye dear

it's in the light that's always on
showing those lost souls
in dangerous water
where home is 

it was the smell more than anything else
earth/air, sky - life - redemption

A l i c e

Allie passed away a few years later
after returning home to Woodstock Ontario
on tour with my band when she passed - bummer

baptised and buried in my bereavement
she was 77 years old, tired
gone - just outside
of town

i was just a kid
she had long whiskers
on her chin
her food dripped from it
at dinner and then supper
when i stayed out there
on the family farm
summer months
white hair

dry (overcooked) roast beef, boiled potatoes
fresh horseradish and parsnips from the garden
cracked wheat bread - dipped in molasses
mopping up what's left on our plate
local radio news - through a
crackling mono-phonic
non fidelity speaker  

dogs, cats - birds and insects
all in abundant supply 

sleeping with her in her lumpy bed
wanting to be close to her

i loved her

sweet soul - kind - my only real aunt
my only other connection
to the outside world

there can be a quality to aloneness
this i have learned - fear takes on a
new meaning, when you lose someone close

time to listen

worrying is praying for something you don't want

or as allie once said to me (stirring lumps out of the gravy)
"why spend all your time frettin' and fussin -
because none of that's gonna matter in the end anyway"

Aunt Allie is a memory and a spirit
that lives on in me

(dedicated to Alice McFarland) 

Saturday, 2 March 2013

nature's WAY

there's a chill in the air


we live in the confines of our environment
it's a beautiful sunny day in mexico in the winter
for a couple of north american campers on vacation
all inclusive - all elusive
tanning in paradise
lotsa booze

oK, amazing sex

crisis? what crisis?
boner service is excellent, thank you
my wife is rotting in zimbobwe  
enough said

this girl is my "assistant"
yep - hot - it's how i roll now 

nature's WAY 



 next door, there's a typhoon in the philippines
people getting swept under the muck
bacteria levels - through the roof
death is a routine delivery there
mommy daddy gone

it's a broadcast voice on TV
eating KFC ... WTF ... OMFG

"i was just sitting there
playing with my barbie

when the water came in

and flushed us down
the toilet"  

an unfortunate stain
on this imported satin

granted, ok - winters in Toronto can be brutal
sometimes we get 20cm of frikkin snow 
on the ground - under our manicured toes
and the roads get slippery - and shit flies
people get mean  - short tempered
and it gets messy

i hate winter
i mean ok - we struggle

dinner is ruined


some are more resiliant than others
in matters of the spirit
some take it better

i mean oK
we can fight the elements OR
we can surrender and succumb
moving on - detached

no contest 

we FIGHT - Spartacus conquers
you piece of fucking shit 
we fight - our favourite sport
masturbation - we fight
ah great release

we fight

for our right to hold on to resentment
for our opportunity to exercise revenge
i dream of it every night because
i hold onto daddy - only daddy is
gone forever

alone again - naturally


i've locked old wounds into flimsy lockers
in the back of my fermenting psyche
buried deep in my limbic
promising to keep 
them - secret

i mean - shit
it's embarrassing - and i'd really prefer
to forget about it

only i can't - it's a haunting shadow
that follows me around
the remnants of shame and regret

i'm what - a breach baby
just shut - the fuck up and make it happen
i'm royalty you insipid cunt 


king . warrior . magician . lover

door number 3 please
with 100 on the bonus round
and the trip for 2 to los vegas
and the show-girl blowjob
coming complimentary

spin - the wheel 
(audience clapping) 

i still hold anger because my parents were fakes
dad way more than mom - at least she cared
reaching for her - gone - ah shit - oK she
loved me - distracted tho, like dad
narcissism extended - dysfunction
incalcitrant calculation 

it's still amazing to me
as to how some
can remain humble
humility is indeed in short supply

you my friend, are a sage
carrying and dispersing your wisdom
where-ever you go - you grow

and i love you  

walking in the grass with a stick
impervious to natures way
scarred too - and yet
you remain true
on course

you remind me of what i can still do

i can still make a difference in this world
i can be alive and celebrate life
i can circumnavigate
and plan it

i used to be beautiful you know
i still can be

just takes a little eyeshadow
and blush


i feel optimism
it's in the unraveling of the lies 
do we find our truths

i'm struggling still
my feet are cold
winter is brutal 

wallowing in despair
is a form of masochism
only there is a twisted, addictive
pleasure in it

nature's WAY

it's not what or how much we consume
it's how our consumption
defines us

i am consumed and distracted
a delicate balance
i mean, after all

karma aside?
it's all in the choices we make AND 


it's the pain that keeps us


(dedicated to my friend chris landreth)