Saturday, 31 March 2012

prayinG mantiS

"i'm too light and you're
too soon"

you will fold your arms and hands
then you will fold
 you will let the rain-water wash you clean

in the prison you choose to live inside  
your church ... your jar

you pray

every day ... the same way - you pray
for a signal ... a tricky trickle of light through your retina embryo
your 'common sense' microscope

in your instrument of carnal observation and delicately honed judgement
in curiosity, knowing that we have such little time - waiting 
you look, for some sign of life ... in the mirror pool 
over and over and over again
forever cautious of the shadows ... on guard 
on-look for the deception
he's there ... you can feel him

  always lurking ... 'look' 
can you see me - over here
you were taught well ... the lies ... the shame
and in your moment of solace, that comforting voice returns

that's a good girl
daddy will take care of you

p r a y i n G   m a n t i S


 yet oddly alluring ... you take him in again
but like a smart soul
and like any animal or insect with integrity and sharp teeth
you continue to pray for peace and order within yourself
and in the attachments that envelope ... you will submit
surrender ... to that which you cannot change

 demons exist

you will learn to love yourself again ... unconditionally
and in the awakening, you will see life again
from your child’s perspective

when you were 6, you sat in a garden 
alone - you don’t remember
in awe of that first praying mantis, you WILL remember it again

maybe you captured it in a glass jar delicately in observation
even with some grass - that it doesn't eat 
so it had food - wishful thinking
like the predator that YOU are
even poking holes in the lid so that he can breathe air

not interested in the grass
not threatened by this captivity
not interested in anything but what's here right now
entertaining eternity 

careful observation requires patience
tedious minutes turn into hours
do not disturb
watching - conclusion 


giving him what he needs means finding another like him
that morsel of muscle - just to get through another day
survival sings in a dream drifting - in a misty early morning fog
and captured - in your curious lens - on a darkened back-drop

and so, in your benevolent repose you may have even put a stick in it
so that you may see it better, only to grow impatient and let it go later
back to it's natural habitat ... into the wild - landing in the familiar
another metaphorical implication

distant thunder - quieter - that single raindrop on your hand, looking up
into the weather - no quarter - no way out

that deafening silence returning, and yet
in that moment you are truly still
in the perfect storm


 in your macro focus you realize, finally getting it
that consciousness is just what you make it
everything that is “behind” you is just THAT

part of your past

there is nothing more than this green leaf
that you munch on in this moment - like a potato chip
humble and innocent
time stands still ... wide eyed and crystalized
and so, the mantis lands on familiar ground again and re-adapts
but doesn't fly away for the longest time
totally aware
that it's captor is still right there watching intently

no fear

it begins to eat again ... watching in fascination
watching ... learning, then suddenly ... it's gone
it's never enough ... you hunger for more
it's a longing to connect with something bigger and better

but not knowing how

BE silent
this dear girl is a probing prerequisite 
in a painful pickle that you're in

defining a proper proposal
requires patience 
and help

at a cost

and so in your grieving; in the pain, suffering ...
remorse, despair ... guilt and blame
that was inflicted on you at an early age ... surfacing

you will finally GET that it’s just baggage, garbage
you don’t need to carry it around anymore, like the burden
you were supposed to nurture every day of your life
the curse that you inherited, long ago
and accepted your karmic legacy

that was THEM not you
the ticket is null and void
this hand of cards is a trick, the deck was stacked
redemption arrives ... finally
or does it?  maybe this is a trick too

you question yourself

and so
you will cry for a long time, like you've never cried
weeping for hours in mourning, shivering, totally alone
it will consume you, only momentarily
your momento drifts into a peaceful slumber, yet again
yes ... you will sleep for a long time
only to awaken to the same mistake you keep making
over and over and over again

like a moth to the flame

you persist
you continually ache for that feeling
of being ripped apart in your heart and then your soul
slow burn ... over and over ... hurts so good
in the charred wreckage you dig down
deep down - into your pit of despair ... abyss management - just one clue
longing for closure, but no ... not yet

you will however, persist ... in your quest for clarity and freedom
sifting through endless chaos theories and utter confusion
where is it?  i know it's here somewhere
 again,  folding, crashing, scraping 

you will self-destruct and breakdown yet again
only something will finally change - awakening
an unscheduled exorcism - departure and arrival
the executioner and the victim inside you will have left you, finally
those little voices in your head that control you will be gone
you will feel lighter ... you will feel healthier

you will feel whole again

and in this moment of new-found clarity you will release
like you never knew possible
and when you wake up, some day - in your tenuous tenement
and see that your guardian angel is gone
you will let her go with grace and humility
for you will KNOW

that she loves you wherever she goes

 only because you do

p r a y i n G   m a n t i S

it all comes down to the bottom line
the deal-breaker 

"i'm too light and you're
too soon" 

i really can't be that
for you

Sunday, 18 March 2012

Stand By Your Man

girls get a raw deal

- it's a mans world -
"get over it"

S t a n d   B y   Y o u r   M a n


that's what i told my daughter today - i'm ashamed
sitting at the bar eating brunch - while she worked
at "Insomnia" on Bloor in Toronto - how appropriate
having slept little - she's a soldier
always tired - why

through the hardware of a bustling crowd
all the modern devices on display
a mixture of truly cosmopolitan men and women
an all so perfect, multi-cultural blend 
obviously very awake and yet, all so pre-occupied
pretending to be normal
appropriate music at just the right volume
this food and drink - good - life is good

looking forward at her in between bites
softening for a moment
in between her ongoing relapses - driven by her craft
staying - on course
it hurts still

she's such a warrior princess
thinking - i was blessed
she's "rising to the occasion" nonetheless

it's a default position - in an ugly tangle
she's grieving the passing of a relationship
and a man who hurt her - her boyfriend of almost a year

that's what i told her - so called "fatherly advice"
"shitty deal girl - get with the program"

"get over it"

girls are poisoned coming in
at a young age - and i am part of that

bombarded by weapons of mass construction
victims of our ancestral karma 
all so meticulously choreographed by men
seeds that are planted in misinformation - incubation - masturbation
into numbness - in a routine mission that fails - yet again
 abort - "next" ...

ok, there are always the fruits from a good harvest
and that simple sermon delivered by a good male soul
at sunday mass - all in good faith 
but it's never enough

women are programmed to give and take
in a pre-meditated ritual
that deceives and destroys

the spirit is compromised and the water becomes contaminated
all part of gods plan?  i'm questioning that tonight

and so dear friends
welcome back to my mishap in the making
 an ongoing exercise in redemption
delivered with hope and optimism

and yet with caution

S t a n d   B y   Y o u r   M a n

Bonnie and Clyde

it started early - from the banishment of Hildegard Von Bingen
from the church - for writing words
and making music - for speaking up 
to a lost and alone Anne Frank in Amsterdam during WW2
just wondering what is going on here?
the insanity that surrounds the world - what's this?

it surfaces in crimes of passion and broken promises
what happened Daddy?  why does this hurt so much?
why are you so mean?

"get over it"

self esteem erodes
deviant distractions are devised
in a concocted contingency contagion
bravely bred - in a silent science

returning to our secret place 
a counter-measure that we didn't want to exercise
but have to now ... out of necessity

it continues

the holocaust was just a beginning
in the feminine decomposition - the decay smells rotten - oh btw ...

"do you think i'm pretty?"
rate me on a scale from 1 - 10
on the internet

"rate my face"

Anne Frank in Amsterdam - 1942

hijabs in high heels - hot
i love Square One - shopping mall - Mississauga
high tension hypocrisy
on any given day

international ramifications
in a history of violence
enough said

ok, it's all about the presentation
it's not about who you are
no, it's not about what you bring to the table
it's not about your feelings, desires or your fears
it's not about your beliefs or your ambitions - none of that

no my dear ... it's all about your faith
in a modern masculine modality that you have invested in
 your destiny - the circus show
 that we are all so entertained by in the media
by the displacement of power, repression and perception
the pasteurized poison
served up clean
and "neat"

in our given - inherited hypocrisy 
embedded in our religion and our philosophy
just "shut - the fuck - up"

"just get over it"

 you are nothing

you are only worth something ...
if you become something - in my image
and only if you present yourself accordingly

there are rules in place
follow them my dear, and you will be rewarded
break the rules? - and you will be punished
that's how it works

"bend over ... you're going to like this"

"suck it up - slut"

Karla Homolka and Paul Bernardo

just do as i say and it will be ok
i know you want it - i know you want to be ah ... loved
so just  - do this

"get the girl" 

"then after you're finished?  we need a hammer
and garbage bags - Home Depot - for the wreckage
you're part of this now"

"just do as you're told"

 "and it will all be ok - trust me"

girls are afraid - and so they should be!
of being cast aside by Daddy - yep - how it works
and Mommy who follows Daddy 
because she's told to

punishment hurts
none of us wants that - and yet, here we go again
it's just another night 
in relapse

"get me off"

Tori Stafford, Michael Rafferty and Terri-Lynn Mclintic
Woodstock Ontario 

"just lure her into the car
after school"

"i want her young - and pretty - 
na, you don't have it in you
to actually do this - to bring me what i want
you don't have the guts"

"so just do it - bring me what i want
or you don't get that special surprise that i promised you"

this happened in my hometown - Woodstock
in 2009 - i lived there as a kid
people did this - they're still deciding, what to do about it
three years later

Tori was raped and murdered
by a ruptured couple

for those who have little girls
just love them

tell them that they are special and that they are loved

hold them like they are our only hope
for a better world and a better future

for our girls

he doesn't love you - the same way
that you love him

S t a n d   B y   Y o u r   M a n

"sometimes its hard to be a woman
giving all your love to just one man"

dedicated to Tori Stafford - 2001 - 2009
Woodstock Ontario

"you'll have bad times
and he'll have good times
doing things that you don't understand
but if you love him you'll forgive him
even though he's hard to understand

and if you love him
oh be proud of him
cause after all ...

he's just a man"