Saturday, 31 March 2012

prayinG mantiS

"i'm too light and you're
too soon"

you will fold your arms and hands
then you will fold
 you will let the rain-water wash you clean

in the prison you choose to live inside  
your church ... your jar

you pray

every day ... the same way - you pray
for a signal ... a tricky trickle of light through your retina embryo
your 'common sense' microscope

in your instrument of carnal observation and delicately honed judgement
in curiosity, knowing that we have such little time - waiting 
you look, for some sign of life ... in the mirror pool 
over and over and over again
forever cautious of the shadows ... on guard 
on-look for the deception
he's there ... you can feel him

  always lurking ... 'look' 
can you see me - over here
you were taught well ... the lies ... the shame
and in your moment of solace, that comforting voice returns

that's a good girl
daddy will take care of you

p r a y i n G   m a n t i S


 yet oddly alluring ... you take him in again
but like a smart soul
and like any animal or insect with integrity and sharp teeth
you continue to pray for peace and order within yourself
and in the attachments that envelope ... you will submit
surrender ... to that which you cannot change

 demons exist

you will learn to love yourself again ... unconditionally
and in the awakening, you will see life again
from your child’s perspective

when you were 6, you sat in a garden 
alone - you don’t remember
in awe of that first praying mantis, you WILL remember it again

maybe you captured it in a glass jar delicately in observation
even with some grass - that it doesn't eat 
so it had food - wishful thinking
like the predator that YOU are
even poking holes in the lid so that he can breathe air

not interested in the grass
not threatened by this captivity
not interested in anything but what's here right now
entertaining eternity 

careful observation requires patience
tedious minutes turn into hours
do not disturb
watching - conclusion 


giving him what he needs means finding another like him
that morsel of muscle - just to get through another day
survival sings in a dream drifting - in a misty early morning fog
and captured - in your curious lens - on a darkened back-drop

and so, in your benevolent repose you may have even put a stick in it
so that you may see it better, only to grow impatient and let it go later
back to it's natural habitat ... into the wild - landing in the familiar
another metaphorical implication

distant thunder - quieter - that single raindrop on your hand, looking up
into the weather - no quarter - no way out

that deafening silence returning, and yet
in that moment you are truly still
in the perfect storm


 in your macro focus you realize, finally getting it
that consciousness is just what you make it
everything that is “behind” you is just THAT

part of your past

there is nothing more than this green leaf
that you munch on in this moment - like a potato chip
humble and innocent
time stands still ... wide eyed and crystalized
and so, the mantis lands on familiar ground again and re-adapts
but doesn't fly away for the longest time
totally aware
that it's captor is still right there watching intently

no fear

it begins to eat again ... watching in fascination
watching ... learning, then suddenly ... it's gone
it's never enough ... you hunger for more
it's a longing to connect with something bigger and better

but not knowing how

BE silent
this dear girl is a probing prerequisite 
in a painful pickle that you're in

defining a proper proposal
requires patience 
and help

at a cost

and so in your grieving; in the pain, suffering ...
remorse, despair ... guilt and blame
that was inflicted on you at an early age ... surfacing

you will finally GET that it’s just baggage, garbage
you don’t need to carry it around anymore, like the burden
you were supposed to nurture every day of your life
the curse that you inherited, long ago
and accepted your karmic legacy

that was THEM not you
the ticket is null and void
this hand of cards is a trick, the deck was stacked
redemption arrives ... finally
or does it?  maybe this is a trick too

you question yourself

and so
you will cry for a long time, like you've never cried
weeping for hours in mourning, shivering, totally alone
it will consume you, only momentarily
your momento drifts into a peaceful slumber, yet again
yes ... you will sleep for a long time
only to awaken to the same mistake you keep making
over and over and over again

like a moth to the flame

you persist
you continually ache for that feeling
of being ripped apart in your heart and then your soul
slow burn ... over and over ... hurts so good
in the charred wreckage you dig down
deep down - into your pit of despair ... abyss management - just one clue
longing for closure, but no ... not yet

you will however, persist ... in your quest for clarity and freedom
sifting through endless chaos theories and utter confusion
where is it?  i know it's here somewhere
 again,  folding, crashing, scraping 

you will self-destruct and breakdown yet again
only something will finally change - awakening
an unscheduled exorcism - departure and arrival
the executioner and the victim inside you will have left you, finally
those little voices in your head that control you will be gone
you will feel lighter ... you will feel healthier

you will feel whole again

and in this moment of new-found clarity you will release
like you never knew possible
and when you wake up, some day - in your tenuous tenement
and see that your guardian angel is gone
you will let her go with grace and humility
for you will KNOW

that she loves you wherever she goes

 only because you do

p r a y i n G   m a n t i S

it all comes down to the bottom line
the deal-breaker 

"i'm too light and you're
too soon" 

i really can't be that
for you